It is commonly said that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. If miscarriage is that common, why had I never heard anyone talk about it? I was newly married and in my early twenties when it happened to me.
I was at home alone and unable to reach anyone on the phone. When I finally reached my midwife’s office, the nurse told me approximately, “If you were having a miscarriage, you would be in more pain. Lay down and drink some water… We will see you at your next appointment in two weeks.” So, that’s what I did.
The next day we went into the hospital to be induced, give birth, and then have a d&c.
The recovery, for me, was long and recursive. A huge part of it was the patient support of my family and friends. But another side of it came to fruition through my efforts to express my experiences through writing poetry.
Why did I write this book?
I did not start out thinking I would ever share these poems with anyone. I wrote for my own processing of grief. For several months, I endured a lot of silence because I could not yet give words to my feelings. They were inexpressible and scary to me. After eight months of trying repeatedly to write, I finally penned the poem “Sonogram (16 weeks)”. Then once the words came, I continued writing more and more. I was beginning to make sense of what happened and not only express it, but honor my grief by naming it and holding space for myself in my notebooks.
Why did I decide to publish this book?
Fast forward 5 years. My husband and I were on the verge of a big move away from our home state of Texas and all of our family. This was a bit of a turning point for me because I had just decided to compile my best poems into a collection, even though I did not know yet what I was going to do with it. I had about 90 pages of poetry in the original version of BARREN YEARS, which at the time was titled GROUNDED.
As I began working on the poems, I, of course, asked my friends to read it and share their thoughts. I wanted to know if my writing was clear and understood. I wanted to know if they thought it kept pace or fizzled out at page 50. I wanted to know if any of my writing resonated with other people. As I shared my work, I learned that many of my friends had also experienced miscarriage. Over the course of a few more years, I whittled the collection down to the 25 poems it contains today.
Because the poems span about a 7 year period, they represent the whole process of my grieving and moving forward. For me, the best feeling is when I hear from a reader that my poems helped her process her own experience with miscarriage. Ultimately that is why I decided to publish. I realized that miscarriage is often a topic that gets hidden in a family and not discussed. I think that it should be discussed.
The truth is that miscarriage affects many people. And if we do not talk about it, we end up isolating ourselves at a time when we really need the support and companionship of others. I hope that my little book of poems can help others not feel alone in their experience and realize that all their feelings are valid. I also hope they will feel encouraged and inspired to turn to creativity as a means of expressing and working through their grief in their own timing.
Be sure to pre-order your copy of BARREN YEARS today! If you do, it counts towards the author’s advance sales goals (you will receive the book in June 2019). You can find Amanda on her blog at https://poetrussell.wordpress.com/ or follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
Thank you for sharing, Amanda.
You are welcome, William. Thanks for reading.
I am just now reading this. Thank you so much for sharing. As a teen did you write any poetry? In high school? In south texas. I apologize but i know you from LFHS and I've bren dying to read any poetry you may have written while you went there. I never spoke to you but I nkv knew you wrote. I was to shy to speak to you because at the time you had a bf and I did not want to cause problems. Anyway if you do please reply and I'll get in touch once again. Congrats on the book btw!